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Why Being 'Nice' Is Detrimental to Romance 
30th-Nov-2008 03:40 pm
First off, romance is dead.

All my life I've heard the words "Where are all the nice guys?" from varying people in varying places. Each time I've had to play the role of the reassuring guy, the one who says "Oh, they're around, just keep looking". Meanwhile, I've been told by the men around me that the only way to hold a woman's interest is to treat her like shit.

I resisted this idea very doggedly, because I am an optimist at heart and I hate the idea that there are people out there who simply want nothing to do with those who will treat them kindly. I attributed it to bitter men who were already assholes to begin with; now I wonder if they may have been right.

Women do not, in my experience, like "nice" men, and they certainly don't want them, in spite of what they say. I will tell you where all the nice guys are, they are dying off, very rapidly. Why? Because it isn't beneficial to be nice. Whether you can attribute it to daddy complexes or the simple lack of interest in the "Boring" nice guys is anyone's guess. These nice guys were forced to become assholes because the women around them did not give them the time of day when they were caring, considerate. This is a highly misogynistic post, I know, but I've yet to see any evidence to prove me wrong.

You listen to problems, do things to brighten their day, and you are forced into the friend zone because any sign of care or concern seems to equate to "not-sexual". Men can't be nice because women do not give a shit about them if they are. All my life, I've tried to be the gentleman, and I've often been shot down because I was simply "nice". I hate this realization, and I hate that I've lost my faith in women to the point where I am even considering this to be truth.

Please, someone, tell me why the hell it is that this has to be? What happened to people actually being civil to each other instead of calling each other bitches?
(Deleted comment)
30th-Mar-2009 08:56 am (UTC) - stir
The fact that thinking niceness should earn sex, or even something weird and alien like "love and affection and mutual respect," is a brainlessly unacceptable outlook doesn't negate the fact that women never seem to fall for nice guys.

It's not the assholes' fault, probably, or maybe it is because they figured it out too, and they are using it to earn sex, because they're assholes.

10th-Dec-2008 05:48 pm (UTC)
Here's my question, maybe it's just the girls you're pursuing?

In high school, I suffered the fate of being a "nice girl". I was very involved in academics and extra curriculars, I had no idea how to "dress well", I was a "good girl" (or prude as others would probably put it) but not entirely of my own choosing. You see, the guys were much more interested in the boobalicious girls who would put out. Now, admittedly, this was high school, and perhaps I was expecting too much out of 16 year old, hormone crazed boys. But the point is, I didn't go for a "nice guy" and I didn't go for a "mean guy", I went for the first guy who (at 17) finally gave me the time of day and asked me out.

I still see this happening in the "adult" world, though. Nice guys fuss about how their mean girl girlfriends treat them badly. But when I introduce them to my "nice girl" friends, they're not interested.

I'm just saying what I say to all my "nice" friends, both male and female alike, chemistry is all well and good, but if you want something that will last, you have to figure out what's really important to you in a partner, and start training yourself to look for that. Someone you might have written off at first glance, my turn out to be amazing.
15th-Dec-2008 03:15 am (UTC)
I think you're confusing being nice with acting nice. If you tell a woman, "Don't worry about your mean ex, you'll find someone else" because you mean that, you're being nice. But if you say it because you want her to have sex with you, then you're acting nice. And women know the difference, and they are disgusted by it.

Try this experiment. For a month, treat all women, no matter who they are, no matter what your level of interest, the same way you would treat them if they were men. If you see an old woman standing on the subway, pretend she is an old man; you would still give up your seat for someone who was clearly elderly, wouldn't you? If you see a beautiful woman in the supermarket, pretend she's actually just a good-looking guy. If you both start reaching for the sweet potatoes or something, sure, say something funny about yams, but don't try to accidentally brush your fingers against hers as you're reaching for the same root vegetable. If a female friend calls you in tears because she just broke up with her boyfriend, say, "Look, it's one in the morning. Drink some wine, put a kleenex box by your head, and I'll talk to you tomorrow, OK?" and hang up the phone.

Women are human beings, and they are not responsible for how much or how little you are attracted to them. "Women" is ALSO not a catch-all term; they are not all going after that quarterback douchebag you hated in high school. They are not all wearing pretty skirts and flipping their hair at you and laughing at you behind your back. They are NOT ALL THE SAME.
30th-Mar-2009 09:15 am (UTC)
women aren't easy (and if they are, what's the point?)

assuming you are, in fact, a genuinely nice person, and you're nice to everybody and not just the ones you want to get with (you are that genuinely nice person, right? it's OK if you're not, you understand, it's just essential to be honest with yourself), well, then perhaps you should analyze how your good natured kindness manifests itself.

it's totally true that humans (not just the female of the species) are attracted to partners who are bad for them. it is within the realm of possibility that this is because we've all become incompatible and are therefore all bad for one another. you mentioned optimism, though, so let's stick with that.

here's a suggestion. if you're with someone, or want to be, don't let that detail rule how you interact with her. and as long as you're being nice because you care, and not because you care about that ass, then you should spend some time on figuring out what she wants from you. not in the vague sense of where do you see yourself in ten years, but in the moment.

when she asks if the dress makes her look fat, the best answer is still to hide under the bed. but you should be aware that she doesn't want you to be "nice" and say no when, really, it does.

"nice," I have noticed, is usually too nice. so maybe, what it comes down to, is not being "nice," but being you. girlfriends are friends who are girls, yeah, so treat them the same as your other friends. unless they pass out with their shoes on.
19th-Jul-2009 11:58 pm (UTC)
First, how old are you? Boys need to stop mindfucking the dating process. A woman isn't a shallow cunt simply because she doesn't want you and instead chooses a man you perceive to be a jerkoff. The "girls want assholes" mindset is something you'll grow out of when you stop chasing high school girls.
20th-Jul-2009 12:00 am (UTC) - Hmmm
First off, why the hell is this still up? Second of all, while it was wrong to generalize, it's also wrong for you to do the same. Some "nice" guys are mindfucking dickheads, and some women are just too damn stupid when it comes to dating for their own good.

Klaus, out.
17th-Nov-2010 10:04 pm (UTC)
I think I'm quite late to this conversation but I'm curious, one year on since you posted this have you found a girl who likes you for who you are? Hope you have =)

I believe in never giving up hope, even when things are rock bottom, hope is always needed.
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